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Taco Bamba
Taco Bamba
Photo: Gerry Suchy/Eater.com

No Diet? No Problem — Try These Gut Bomb Dishes

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Taco Bamba
| Photo: Gerry Suchy/Eater.com

There are plenty of glamorous meals to be found in the D.C. area. But these are not them. They're not even close. All the following dishes can best be described as gut bombs — meals so heavy and calorie dense that the only reasonable follow-up to each is a long nap on the couch.
—Jody Fellows

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Taco Bamba

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The gut bomb: Torta Bamba
The ingredients in Taco Bamba’s Torta Bamba read like the inventory at a grocery store deli counter-- ham, hot dogs, carne asada, chorizo, chicken milanesa, beef milanesa, oaxaca cheese, pineapple, mayo. Yeah, all of that is in one sandwich. It’s no wonder this behemoth weighs in at almost two pounds.

Dogfish Head Alehouse

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The Gut Bomb: Buffalo Chicken Sandwich in Pizza Dough
Off the menu and totally worth it, Dogfish Head’s Buffalo Chicken Sandwich is akin to a real life SNL sketch. A handful of fried chicken strips are coated in Buffalo wing sauce, smothered in blue cheese dressing and then wrapped up like a taco in pizza dough. Did we mention the pizza dough is deep fried? The off-the-menu gut bomb is available at all three D.C.-area Ale Houses in Falls Church, Fairfax and Gaithersburg.

Hill Country Barbecue Market

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Gut bomb: The Pitmaster
Hill Country’s The Pitmaster is a potpourri of barbecued animals. The four-meat, combination platter hooks up a ¼ lb. of brisket, a pork spare rib, a beef rib, a ¼ of a chicken and two sides weighing in at eight ounces apiece. But don’t plan on sharing the feast-- the menu specifically states The Pitmaster is for one.

Mintwood Place

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Gut bomb: Hangover special
With a name like Hangover Special, there’s bound to be some greasy food on the plate. Mintwood Place puts a heap of french fries and a ground beef patty in a cast iron dish and covers it with ranch dressing, Parmesan and Gruyere cheeses, shishito peppers and a sunny side up egg. The morning-after remedy is available on Saturdays and Sundays from 10:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.

Ray's The Steaks

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Gut bomb: 48 oz Cowboy for Two Bone-In Ribeye
It’s no Old ‘96er, but Ray’s the Steak’s biggest cut is one massive chunk of beef. Ray’s Cowboy Cut, dry-aged, bone-in rib eye with butter tips the scales at a hefty 48 oz. and while it won’t fit in with too many diet plans, the Atkin’s crowd should feel guilt-free tossing this one down the hatch.

Stoney's Restaurant

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Gut Bomb: Super Meatloaf sandwich
The grilled cheese gets top billing at this Logan Circle joint, but Stoney’s Super Meatloaf Sandwich might have the edge when it comes to food-induced comas. Take a grilled cheese sandwich and stick lettuce, tomato and a fat slab of meatloaf in the middle alongside a side of fries, and you won’t be long for the couch after your last bite.

Kangaroo Boxing Club

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Gut Bomb: Four Horseman of the Aporcalypse
Just about every form of the pig makes up Kangaroo Boxing Club’s puntastic Four Horseman of the Aporcalypse. The patty is constructed of ground pork, pulled pork, ham and bacon and the whole aporcalyptic amalgamation is topped with a fried egg and tomato. Oh, and it’s all covered in maple syrup. Because of course it is.

Eamonn's, A Dublin Chipper

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Gut Bomb: Dream Burger, Whurley Style (off menu)
Eamonn’s has the batter-coated-and-deep-fried Wurly Burgher and they also have the regular double-pattied, salami, roast chicken and bacon-topped Dream Burger. Combine the two together for a Dream Burger, Wurly Style, and they’ll hook up a border-line-cartoonish creation of deep fried meat that necessitates a snake-like unhinging of the jaw to consume.

Dubliner Restaurant & Pub

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Gut Bomb: Monte Cristo
The Monte Cristo sandwich by itself is a caloric challenge but The Dubliner’s version is even more so. Turkey, ham and Swiss is sandwiched in between egg-battered-and-fried white bread (yup, French toast) and then topped with rich and creamy Hollandaise sauce. If that wasn’t enough, there’s a side of fries, too.

Celebrity Delly

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Gut bomb: Cardiac Arrest
A 12 oz. hunk of ground beef on a sub roll would be a formidable task by itself. But Falls Church’s Celebrity Delly takes the above and adds a pile of hot pastrami, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, mustard and mayo into the mix. The name of this monstrous creation couldn’t be more fitting: the Cardiac Arrest.

The Pinch

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Gut Bomb: Brunch Burger
Brand new on the menu, The Pinch’s Brunch Burger is a food coma on a plate. The burger is served open-faced on a biscuit topped with cheese, caramelized onions, bacon, sausage, a fried egg and a blanket of sausage gravy. The caloric land mass also comes with a pile of home fries. It’s available from 11-3 on Saturday and Sunday.

Bub and Pop's

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Gut Bomb: The Lil' Petey
The Li'l Petey at Bub and Pop's is anything but. A hybrid of an Italian sub and a lineup of bar food, the sandwich packs in prosciutto, capicola, Genoa salami, pepperoni, brisket, aged provolone, fried mozzarella sticks, fried chicken, potato chips, hoagie relish, arugula, roma tomato and fried eggs. The beast tips the scales at over five pounds and is free if anyone can put it down in 15 minutes or less. Otherwise, be prepared to pony up $30.

Taco Bamba

The gut bomb: Torta Bamba
The ingredients in Taco Bamba’s Torta Bamba read like the inventory at a grocery store deli counter-- ham, hot dogs, carne asada, chorizo, chicken milanesa, beef milanesa, oaxaca cheese, pineapple, mayo. Yeah, all of that is in one sandwich. It’s no wonder this behemoth weighs in at almost two pounds.

Dogfish Head Alehouse

The Gut Bomb: Buffalo Chicken Sandwich in Pizza Dough
Off the menu and totally worth it, Dogfish Head’s Buffalo Chicken Sandwich is akin to a real life SNL sketch. A handful of fried chicken strips are coated in Buffalo wing sauce, smothered in blue cheese dressing and then wrapped up like a taco in pizza dough. Did we mention the pizza dough is deep fried? The off-the-menu gut bomb is available at all three D.C.-area Ale Houses in Falls Church, Fairfax and Gaithersburg.

Hill Country Barbecue Market

Gut bomb: The Pitmaster
Hill Country’s The Pitmaster is a potpourri of barbecued animals. The four-meat, combination platter hooks up a ¼ lb. of brisket, a pork spare rib, a beef rib, a ¼ of a chicken and two sides weighing in at eight ounces apiece. But don’t plan on sharing the feast-- the menu specifically states The Pitmaster is for one.

Mintwood Place

Gut bomb: Hangover special
With a name like Hangover Special, there’s bound to be some greasy food on the plate. Mintwood Place puts a heap of french fries and a ground beef patty in a cast iron dish and covers it with ranch dressing, Parmesan and Gruyere cheeses, shishito peppers and a sunny side up egg. The morning-after remedy is available on Saturdays and Sundays from 10:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.

Ray's The Steaks

Gut bomb: 48 oz Cowboy for Two Bone-In Ribeye
It’s no Old ‘96er, but Ray’s the Steak’s biggest cut is one massive chunk of beef. Ray’s Cowboy Cut, dry-aged, bone-in rib eye with butter tips the scales at a hefty 48 oz. and while it won’t fit in with too many diet plans, the Atkin’s crowd should feel guilt-free tossing this one down the hatch.

Stoney's Restaurant

Gut Bomb: Super Meatloaf sandwich
The grilled cheese gets top billing at this Logan Circle joint, but Stoney’s Super Meatloaf Sandwich might have the edge when it comes to food-induced comas. Take a grilled cheese sandwich and stick lettuce, tomato and a fat slab of meatloaf in the middle alongside a side of fries, and you won’t be long for the couch after your last bite.

Kangaroo Boxing Club

Gut Bomb: Four Horseman of the Aporcalypse
Just about every form of the pig makes up Kangaroo Boxing Club’s puntastic Four Horseman of the Aporcalypse. The patty is constructed of ground pork, pulled pork, ham and bacon and the whole aporcalyptic amalgamation is topped with a fried egg and tomato. Oh, and it’s all covered in maple syrup. Because of course it is.

Eamonn's, A Dublin Chipper

Gut Bomb: Dream Burger, Whurley Style (off menu)
Eamonn’s has the batter-coated-and-deep-fried Wurly Burgher and they also have the regular double-pattied, salami, roast chicken and bacon-topped Dream Burger. Combine the two together for a Dream Burger, Wurly Style, and they’ll hook up a border-line-cartoonish creation of deep fried meat that necessitates a snake-like unhinging of the jaw to consume.

Dubliner Restaurant & Pub

Gut Bomb: Monte Cristo
The Monte Cristo sandwich by itself is a caloric challenge but The Dubliner’s version is even more so. Turkey, ham and Swiss is sandwiched in between egg-battered-and-fried white bread (yup, French toast) and then topped with rich and creamy Hollandaise sauce. If that wasn’t enough, there’s a side of fries, too.

Celebrity Delly

Gut bomb: Cardiac Arrest
A 12 oz. hunk of ground beef on a sub roll would be a formidable task by itself. But Falls Church’s Celebrity Delly takes the above and adds a pile of hot pastrami, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, mustard and mayo into the mix. The name of this monstrous creation couldn’t be more fitting: the Cardiac Arrest.

The Pinch

Gut Bomb: Brunch Burger
Brand new on the menu, The Pinch’s Brunch Burger is a food coma on a plate. The burger is served open-faced on a biscuit topped with cheese, caramelized onions, bacon, sausage, a fried egg and a blanket of sausage gravy. The caloric land mass also comes with a pile of home fries. It’s available from 11-3 on Saturday and Sunday.

Bub and Pop's

Gut Bomb: The Lil' Petey
The Li'l Petey at Bub and Pop's is anything but. A hybrid of an Italian sub and a lineup of bar food, the sandwich packs in prosciutto, capicola, Genoa salami, pepperoni, brisket, aged provolone, fried mozzarella sticks, fried chicken, potato chips, hoagie relish, arugula, roma tomato and fried eggs. The beast tips the scales at over five pounds and is free if anyone can put it down in 15 minutes or less. Otherwise, be prepared to pony up $30.

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